How to practice self compassion as a new mum
Self-compassion is something that many mothers lack. It has been found that women have higher levels of compassion than men but lower levels of compassion towards themselves (Beresford, 2016). Why is it so much easier to show kindness towards others rather than yourself?
It has been recognised that the most important factors for women to gain their self-esteem are their attractiveness, acceptance from others, and how well they perform. This means that our self worth is entirely dependent on things outside of our control. Additionally, society has placed such incredibly high standards on women that it would be tough to feel that success was achieved in all of these areas. Then, add a baby into the equation, and it becomes nearly impossible for us to meet these benchmarks that deem our self-worth.
Now, think of your child. Do you want their self worth to be tied up in meeting impeccably high standards? Do you want them to beat themselves up, becoming highly self-critical if they do not meet these standards? Most likely not.
For our children to grow up with a high sense of self-worth, we need to break the cycle. We need to learn to mother ourselves in the same way that we show compassion to our babies. We can take the learning and wisdom from loving our children to start showing love for ourselves. For many, you may not have received the love and kind words that you needed to remain kind to yourself in difficult situations. That is why it is so hard to break those patterns. However, we can learn to show this kindness towards ourselves, even when it feels hard. Self-compassion is a radical act, helping us break the cycle of the inferiority complex passed down through generations.
Read the following ways to practice self-compassion as a new mum. These can help you to bring love and kindness to yourself using the compassionate skills gained from loving your child.
Accept your painful emotions.
When experiencing painful feelings, it is easy to try and suppress them. Instead, what we want to do is accept these feelings. Imagine if your child was upset and having a tantrum. Think how horrible it would feel to the child if we simply ignored them when they were crying. It would most likely only escalate the situation further. What would be more helpful? Perhaps, if we turn towards our children and let them know we are here for them and want to help make things feel better, it can help. The same goes for the way that we turn to ourselves in difficult situations. Instead of self-criticism, tell yourself," I'm sorry that you are feeling that way, I'm here for you", just in the same way you may towards your child.
Recognise everyone else experiences painful emotions too.
It is easy to get caught in the comparison trap in a world of social media and people showing their best bits. We can assume that everyone else feels calm and happy most of the time. However, this is not true. In moments of distress, remember that every single person also experiences pain. There is nothing wrong with you for having these emotions. Experiencing painful feelings are a necessary part of life. Would you expect your child to only show happy emotions and never feel sad / anxious /angry? Probably not, because it is impossible.
Become a compassionate mess
Without realising it, many people make their goal to be perfect and not make mistakes. Instead, make it your aim to love and accept yourself in every situation, acknowledging that making mistakes and going through hard times is inevitable. So many new mums aim for perfection; trying to do everything right, looking great, attending all the events, etc. However, this is not going to make us happy. What will provide true happiness is to be there for yourself in all circumstances, however tough things get. Again, think of your child. Is it more helpful to model to them to have to be it all and do it all in all situations? Or is it more beneficial to model to encourage them to love themselves regardless of how tough things get?
Stop engaging in self-destructive behaviours.
Part of learning how to practice self-compassion as a new mum means creating healthy boundaries for your child. You will not allow your child to do harmful things, and ideally, you will place them in situations where they can thrive. We now need to do the same for ourselves. When you find yourself doing something that you know isn't very helpful for you, ask, "would I want my child to be doing this if in a similar situation?" (It might be necessary to imagine the grown-up version of your child!) Then ask, what instead would be helpful? Try to go ahead and do the more helpful option!
Validate your needs.
Women often see their needs as less valid and put their own needs below their families or others. It is shown that having self-compassion enables women to meet their needs and understand that they are equal to others. Recognising that we deserve kindness and respect can help us communicate these needs to ourselves and others. Rather than dismissing your needs as unimportant, you can instead reach a mutually beneficial compromise for everyone. Get into the habit of asking, "what do I need right now?" When doing this, forget other factors like what you think you should need or what would be most helpful to your partner. Instead, build an awareness of what your needs are, and whenever possible, act on them.
Check your tone of voice.
When talking to oneself, it is easy to speak very harshly, in a manner that we would probably not talk to others. However, it is shown that the tones of voice that we receive, both from ourselves and others, can significantly impact the stress response in our bodies. When talking to yourself, ask, "would I talk to my child in the same way that I am talking to myself right now?" If the answer is no, then practice speaking to yourself in that way.
Use touch to calm yourself.
This might sound a bit airy-fairy for some. However, using touch when showing yourself compassion can be really helpful to metaphorically 'hold yourself'. When you feel yourself starting to spiral, place a hand on your heart and say, "I'm here for you". This can be a helpful way to stop the negative shame spiral. Think about when you are soothing your child when they are upset. It is highly likely that in many situations, you would hold or touch them when letting them know that things are going to be ok. This can work in the same way for you.
Model self-compassion to your child.
The best way to help our children be kind towards themselves and have a high sense of self-worth is for them to see you doing this. For example, let's imagine I drop a plate, and it breaks. If I say, "oh, I'm such an idiot, why do I always mess up like this?" That is exactly what my child will learn to say when they make a mistake. However, if I say, "Oh, I love that plate, it sucks that it's broken. Oh well, we all make mistakes, I will clean it up" In this second example, although I am upset that the plate broke, I am showing my child that it is ok to make mistakes. I am also modelling the act of making things better by cleaning it up. Of course, we can fall back to our most familiar behaviours in the heat of the moment. However, if you practice these responses and believe them, this will come naturally to you.
As with a lot of new psychological skills, learning how to practice self-compassion takes practice. It may feel different at first. However, it is like a muscle that needs to be worked out, which will become stronger with time. Good luck!
If you are a new mum looking for ways to practice self-compassion, in addition any other postpartum mood or anxiety issues then check out postpartum or support for further details, or e-mail info@sophieharris.co to check availability and book a free consultation.