6 ways to help you deal with loneliness as a new mum

British Red Cross carried out a study that found 83% of mums experienced loneliness. In this study, it was found 43% of new mums are lonely all the time. These numbers represent one of the biggest problems of mothering culture in this society. New mums are often embarking on the massive transition into motherhood, feeling isolated and alone. 

The massive hormonal, neurological, physical and emotional changes happening during this period require time and support. Often, this support is so lacking here in the UK. New mums are often at home alone, with partners generally allowed only 2 weeks of paternity leave. Mothers are then left to negotiate all of the huge life changes during this time and raise a child from scratch, often with limited emotional and practical support. Clearly, Covid-19 and its resulting restrictions have only worsened this situation, leaving many mothers lacking support more than ever.

As well as the changes in you as an individual, there are often changes in relationships with others. Often, friendships can become distanced. You may no longer receive the regular contact of colleagues that would have provided day-to-day socialising. Also, there are often changes in relationships with a partner. This can all add to feelings of loneliness and not feeling understood by others.

The loneliness that many women experience and the low mood that comes with it can often be wrapped in a layer of guilt. Many mums may feel bad about not enjoying all aspects of life with their baby. Often new mums may feel like they should be happy and grateful and beat themselves up when they don't feel this way. 

Many psychologists and researchers recognise a sense of belonging and connection to others as the biggest predictor for improved emotional well-being and reducing postpartum mood disorders. Therefore, it is no wonder that so many mothers struggle during this time. Below are 6 practical methods that can help you deal with loneliness on a day-to-day basis.

Connect with people who understand you

Having people in your life who really get you is one of the most helpful ways to create meaningful connections. This could be a partner, friendships or family members. Try to make as many moments in your day/week as possible with those who understand you. A difficulty that we face when becoming a mum is often gaps in shared experiences of those closest to us. For example, a partner could have been a source of security and someone to share your experiences with. However, after having a baby, there may be aspects of your life that they can not understand. In these cases, wherever possible, try to find others to fill these gaps so that you are not reliant on one person. This could involve getting to know mums at baby classes, friends who have children or sometimes even that mum who you met at the park. If possible, have honest conversations about how you really feel. Sharing experiences in this way can help make your troubles feel normal and help you to feel connected.

Schedule times of connection with a partner

After having a baby, it can often feel like you are more distanced than ever from your partner. This can be due to different schedules, lack of time and often conflict from the stressful aspects of raising a baby. However, a practical method to help this is to create a check-in time each day. During this time, you give each other undivided attention, and you may choose to have a list of questions to ask each other.

 Questions could include:

"How was your day?", 

"What didn't go so well today?", 

"What was your favourite part of the day?"

"What are you feeling grateful for?".

"Say one thing you love about each other"

Although this is not the most spontaneous way of communicating, it can be so helpful to schedule this time where you both really listen to each other. This can help you feel heard and that what happened in your day matters. It can also help to build connection with your partner even when times can be stressful.

Create space in your day for activities that you love.

Feeling lonely doesn't always result from being in the absence of other people. It is often a state of mind due to the sadness that you may be experiencing. This means that if you can improve your overall well-being, this can help decrease feelings of loneliness. Try to aim for a balance of self-care and pleasurable activities. I know this may sound hard when you have a baby to look after, but it is not impossible. Try to aim for at least 1 smaller enjoyable activity per day. This could include walking and listening to music/podcasts, speaking to a friend on the phone, or having a coffee at your favourite cafe. Also, as you move past the immediate postpartum period, if possible, aim to schedule some self-care/pleasurable activities on a larger scale. This might include getting a massage, going to the park on your own whilst someone looks after the baby, visiting a local gallery etc. All of these things can help you to feel more content with yourself and improve your overall mood.

Relax your routine

This may be a controversial one for some. However, through my work, I hear many new mums who have become increasingly isolated due to their baby's nap schedule. For many, it can be a lifesaver to have a consistent routine. However, when this comes at the cost of seeing other people or leaving the house even when you want to, it may be helpful to create a little flexibility. This is very much dependent on the wishes of the individual parent and the temperament of the baby. However, it may help you more to interact with others at the cost of your baby's routine.

Accept your feelings.

You can love your child wholeheartedly, without loving every aspect of being a mum. You can enjoy some parts of motherhood whilst dislike other parts. Your loneliness is valid, and there is nothing wrong with you as a person for experiencing this. It is easy to beat yourself up when feeling sad, which only makes you feel worse. Instead, try talking to yourself in the way that you would talk to someone who you love. Let yourself know that it is ok that you feel the way that you do.

This is just a chapter.

I'm trying to avoid the slight cliche statement that "this too shall pass", but it will! This stage is hard, because it is hard and because you are raising a young baby with limited support. However painful your current feelings are, they will not last forever. Also, all stages of life are temporary, and with hindsight, you will look back on this period and remember that it is just that, a stage of your life.