The information in this article was adapted from "Why Postnatal Depression Matters" by Mia Scotland. 

Let's start by reviewing some of the cultural norms from around the world. We will then apply this knowledge to help you in your postnatal recovery and support those around you.

Japan

There is a tradition called 'satogaeri'. This tradition refers to the postnatal recovery period, and it is a concept that is well known. The purpose of this period is to help to ensure that the mother gets lots of rest. The new mother is expecting to stay in bed for one month after delivery. Aunts, sisters and grandmothers help feed her and look after her. The only expectation of the new mother is to feed and comfort the baby.

India

There is a 40-day confinement period for the mother to recuperate, gain strength and bond with her new baby. Nutritious food is seen as an essential part of the care to help her regain her strength, and other people will ensure that she has plenty of home-cooked healthy food. In some areas of India, the new mum is given a maalish- a full body massage once per day.  

Hispanic Countries 

In some Hispanic countries, there is a tradition called 'La cuarentena'. This period involves 40 days that the mother is solely dedicated to breastfeeding and taking care of the baby and herself. Other family members cook and clean, and look after any other children in the house. Additionally, in some Latin American countries, herbal remedies are used to aid recovery. Others cook special meals from scratch for the mother. After this period, the mother is ready to move back to family life.

Malaysia

'Pantang' refers to a confinement period lasting 40 days. During this period, care is provided to the mother to help preserve her health and femininity. She receives hot stone massages to cleanse her womb and body exfoliation treatments to smooth and soften the skin- all to aid her recovery. Household chores are carried out by her husband, relatives or hired help. This period is filled with good food and relaxation to help heal the mother.

How this compares to UK

Now, let's compare this to what happens in the UK. Generally, the birth of a baby is celebrated. Often new parents are presented with a card and a gift when the baby arrives. New mothers often stay as little as a few hours in the hospital and then back home. 

These following weeks and months are most likely the most significant emotional, physical and spiritual transition that you will go through in your life. As well as the physical recovery, you have the enormous emotional adjustments that it takes to become a mother. These adjustments are all whilst experiencing one of the steepest learning curves you will ever experience; learning to look after a baby. 

Partners often return to work after two weeks of paternity leave... two weeks?! This parental separation can cause so much isolation for the mother. Plus, it certainly doesn't work in the partner's favour. Trying to meet the demands of working whilst adjusting to being a parent and forming an attachment with their child is not easy.

How this information can help you

The purpose of this article is not to go on some big sociological rant. Instead, it is a firm reminder to be so much kinder to yourself during those postpartum days. What you are trying to undertake is unheard of in many other cultures.

Through my work as a psychotherapist, the number one experience that I hear from new mums goes along the lines of "Why is this so hard?! I should be able to do this!" It appears that due to a society-wide lack of support, so many mums are alone at home, blaming themselves for not managing.

These societal conditions impact how we perceive ourselves, but this can also alter the perception of our babies and their behaviour. The second set of experiences that I hear, usually a bit later on, is, "why does my baby not go down to nap in their cot? Or, my baby wants to feed all the time!" Both of these behaviours are perfectly biologically normal for young children when they have been wrapped in a snug womb for nine months. However, these very normal behaviours are an inconvenience to the grossly undersupported new family. A mother who still has to look after herself and her home and attend to visitors and any other affairs, of course, will struggle with a baby's natural need to be close to their mum. Imagine how different these things would feel if your ONLY job was to look after the baby. Would it feel easier to devote this time to them?

We live in ambition and drive focused society, where we often prioritise doing and achieving over everything else. And, I know how hard it can be to decondition ourselves from these deeply engrained behaviours born of living in a capitalist society. But now really is the time to slow down. The most important message that I want you to receive is that you are not broken or flawed for finding things tough at times. You are not meant to care for a baby alone. This is why you are finding things hard.

Ok, there are some things that we can't change. We live in the society that we do and can't change the way many things are. However, what can you put in place to make your early motherhood as smooth as possible?

Here are some ideas:

• Accept help. If anyone offers you food, cleaning, or holding your baby for a while whilst you shower, take it.

• If you are in a position to hire any professional help that you can. Hiring a weekly cleaner during babyhood can be a lifesaver and a very worthwhile investment.

• Put a rule in place that you will only accept visitors who bring you food.

• Consider delivery meal options. There are loads of meal delivery options that offer nutritious food options.

• Take any shortcuts you possibly can. Now is not the time for perfectionism. Do what you can do to get by; most things can wait.

• Treat yourself to a postnatal massage!

• Have honest conversations with other new mums. Tell them how you really feel. Having open and vulnerable conversations is the best way to foster connection and intimacy.

• Gain support from a therapist. You don't need to be experiencing postnatal depression to benefit from professional support deeply.

And finally, you can use this information to be a good friend when the time comes to support those around you when they are having babies. Bring food, gift them with services that might make their lives easier, do the washing up! Most importantly, be encouraging that they also are doing a wonderful job too.