Why Am I So Angry After Having a Baby? Understanding and Managing Postpartum Rage
Feeling unexpectedly angry, irritable, or on edge after having a baby? You are not alone. Postpartum rage is real, common, and not a reflection of your abilities as a mum. In this post we’ll break down what postpartum rage is, why it happens, how to cope, and when to seek extra support.
I’m a mum and postpartum therapist. I have supported hundreds of clients through “mum rage” while also navigating it myself. Like many millennials, I was not parented in the way I now parent my child. That means I can be quick to lose my temper, even though I desperately don’t want to. What I am sharing here combines my clinical expertise as a therapist with my lived experience as a mum.
What Is Postpartum Rage?
Postpartum rage is intense anger or irritability after childbirth. Unlike everyday frustration, it can feel sudden, overwhelming, or completely out of proportion to the situation (Verywell Mind, 2023).
Many mums are shocked by how much anger they feel after having a baby, especially if they never saw themselves as “an angry person” before.
How It Differs from Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
Postpartum rage focuses on anger and irritability.
Postpartum depression often involves sadness, hopelessness, or withdrawal (Postpartum Support International, 2023).
Postpartum anxiety is marked by persistent worry or tension. Rage can overlap but does not always mean you have depression or anxiety.
In my therapy practice, I often see postpartum anger alongside low mood or anxiety. But sometimes it is simply a response to exhaustion, stress, and overwhelm rather than a clinical condition.
Common Triggers
Sleep deprivation (Cleveland Clinic, 2024)
Hormonal shifts (NIH, 2021)
Isolation and lack of support
Unrealistic expectations of yourself
It is no secret that being a mum is hard. You are carrying so much, often without enough support. Feeling overwhelmed and losing your temper in those conditions is completely understandable.
Signs You Might Be Experiencing Postpartum Rage
Emotional Signs
Feeling short-tempered or easily frustrated
Resentment toward partner, baby, or yourself
Feeling out of control of your emotions
Behavioural Signs
Snapping or yelling over small things
Withdrawing or shutting down
Feeling guilty after angry outbursts
Many mums feel ashamed to admit these emotions, even though they are so common. I regularly have therapy clients confess, almost in a whisper, that they’ve been shouting at their baby. They expect me to think they are a “bad mum” - but I don’t. I see it as a normal human response to a very intense season of life.
Why Postpartum Rage Happens
Hormonal Changes
After birth, estrogen and progesterone shift rapidly, which can affect mood regulation (NIH, 2021). With so many hormonal changes, it is no wonder you can sometimes feel out of control.
Sleep Deprivation and Exhaustion
Sleep loss lowers patience and coping ability, making small triggers feel enormous (Cleveland Clinic, 2024). Long-term sleep deprivation impacts almost every part of emotional regulation.
Emotional and Social Isolation
Feeling alone or unsupported amplifies anger (Verywell Mind, 2023). In much of Western society, mums are raising babies with little to no village around them.
Unrealistic Expectations
Pressure to “do it all perfectly” can turn normal frustrations into rage. Many mums measure their success by how tidy the house is or worry constantly about how they are perceived.
Quick practical coping strategies
Breathing exercises
Slow, deep breathing can really calm your nervous system (Psychology Today, 2024). I try to practice belly breathing throughout the day, so when I do feel angry, I’m already in the habit of breathing through it. Personally, I prefer breathing in and out through my nose, I find it has the best calming effect on my body.Speak out loud to yourself
This one might feel silly at first, but it really works. I almost “parent myself” in these moments, and give myself reassuring words. I remind myself: “This feeling will pass.” Or: “I know you’re angry right now, but her behaviour is totally normal, and you don’t want to lose your temper.” Saying it out loud seems to snap me back into calm more than just thinking it.Journaling or reflection
Writing things down helps me stop overthinking. I sometimes ask myself: “How will I wish I had responded in this situation?” or “What would I have needed to hear at her age?” This helps me come up with gentler responses for next time, instead of beating myself up.Grounding techniques
When my daughter is having a meltdown, sometimes the only way I can stay calm is by grounding myself. I’ll focus on my senses, noticing what I can see, hear, touch, or smell. A quick mindful body scan also helps: just paying attention to what I feel in my body, without judgment. It slows the rush of anger and helps me stay centred.Micro-breaks
If I really feel like I might lose it, and my daughter is safe, I step out for a few minutes. It’s so much better to take a quick break than to explode. Things I’ve done in those moments: screamed into a pillow, punched a pillow, put my head out the window for fresh air, or looked at a photo that makes me smile. Basically, anything that helps me calm down enough to go back with a clearer head.
Manage resentment and postpartum rage
Postpartum rage often does not exist in isolation. Many mums describe a growing sense of resentment toward their partner, their baby, or even themselves. This is not something people often talk about, but it is a very real part of motherhood.
Resentment usually builds when needs go unmet over time. Perhaps you are the one always waking in the night, carrying the invisible load of household tasks, or feeling like no one notices how much you are giving. Over weeks and months this imbalance can turn into deep frustration and eventually bursts of rage.
Try not to blame your partner for their freedom. When your needs are unmet, it is so easy to blame them for your difficult feelings, which can often create a lot of resentment. Don't get me wrong, there will be many things that your partner can do to help out, but try to remember that often it isn't actually their fault, e.g when they go to work.
Whilst you can try and support your partner to understand, it is likely they probably won't ever fully understand how you feel. Instead, try to focus on what you need from them. This can be both practical needs (e.g.: I want free time on Saturday mornings to do something for myself) or emotional needs (e.g.: It really helps me feel seen when you tell me when you appreciate me, or give me reassurance).
Practice communicating assertively rather than asking for permission. Try to stop yourself asking “can I go and get my haircut this Saturday?”. Instead, try “I'm going to make a hairdressers appointment, I'll need you to look after the baby).
Professional support for postpartum anger
Seeing a postpartum therapist can provide strategies tailored to your needs. I work with new mums to manage feelings of rage and anger, and have witnessed the power of learning these strategies to help stay calm. Therapy helps identify triggers, teach coping skills, and reduce guilt. Most of us weren’t taught by our parents to regulate our emotions, so therapy can be a great way of breaking the cycle.
In my practice, I focus on practical, manageable steps rather than overwhelming lists of advice. I work with my therapy clients to help them address what is making them feel angry.. We then make lifestyle changes to help build capacity, and reduce the likelihood of getting angry. And develop personalised coping strategies to help manage when you are feeling angry to help stay calm. You can find out more about postpartum therapy with me here.
When to seek extra help
Anger is a very normal response, and this in itself is nothing to worry about. However, for many, the anger that you are experiencing may be having a significant negative effect on your life. Some of the signs that it may be helpful to seek some extra help include:
Anger is affecting your relationship with your baby, partner, or other children
You experience regular rage with little control
You feel unsafe or out of control
You are struggling to parent because you are feeling regularly angry.
It is important to remember that if you are struggling with any of these things, it does not make you a ‘bad mum’ and is extremely common. I’m a postpartum psycotherapist, and I am extremely self-aware, and yet I still struggle with regulating my emotions and trying to not lose my temper. Unfortunately, like many millennials I was not taught to regulate my emotions as a child, and now as an adult, I can find this extremely difficult.
Next Steps
You can download my free guide: Managing mum rage: What to do when you are triggered which includes practical tips you can start using today.
I know how isolating it can feel to experience rage after having a baby. You don’t have to face it alone, help is available, and it is possible to feel in control again.
References
Verywell Mind. Coping With Postpartum Anger. 2023. Link
Cleveland Clinic. Postpartum Rage: Symptoms and Management. 2024. Link
National Institutes of Health (NIH). Hormonal Influences on Postpartum Mood. 2021. Link
Postpartum Support International. Postpartum Mental Health Resources. 2023. Link
Psychology Today. Postpartum Rage: What It Is and Why We Need to Talk About It. 2024.Link